Funny Wedding Poems

A series of funny poems about engagements, weddings and marriages, with the occasional divorce to boot. The early poems in the series rejoice in the romance of marriage, but the tone changes mid-series and the later poems become darker and more cynical. There are a smattering of sexual references, but there's a whole section devoted to funny sex poems still to come.

On the Roof

Quite a number of people will have arrived here looking for funny wedding poems, suitable for livening up an otherwise dull best man's speech. On the Roof is a funny wedding poem, but no guarantee is offered as to its 'suitability for purpose'.

Corny, cheesy and pun laden, On The Roof is the perfect opening to Paul's collection of funny poems about engagements, weddings and marriage.

Author

On the Roof

Two lonely aerials meet on a roof and start to date
Very soon they fall in love so it must have been fate
They name the day as their love has proved resilient
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

Looking For A New Start

A bit of a cheat, in that it's the setting rather than the subject of the poem that is a wedding. That said, it's a gloriously insightful poem about marriage or other long term relationships of marital equivalence.

A classic case of misdirection in a poem which has many a true word to say about a man's true love.

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Emotional Wedding

I was with my wife,
At a family wedding do
And I said unsolicited
“I really love you"
“Is that the beer talking?”
She said “or you dear?”
I replied: “It was me
Talking to the beer”

Looking For A New Start

A marriage which appears to be on the rocks could perhaps be salvaged, but only with the right approach.

Attempts to rekindle a lack-lustre relationship end up in disaster.

Author

Looking For A New Start

My wife and I were
Looking for a new start
So I bought a Waterbed
To rekindle loves spark
Something fresh and exciting
But we just drifted apart

The Gift That Just Keeps Giving

I'm quite in favour of anachronistic institutions like marriage, but I must confess I was taken by this short poem which is cynical and saccharine in equal measure.

A poem for the Bake Off generation!

Author

The Gift That Just Keeps Giving

Doctors have found a type of food
Which leaves an ache
And causes grief and suffering
Years after we partake
It has now been identified
As wedding cake

A Marriage Made in Heaven

A cute little poem about an interspecies marriage and its consequences.

A short funny poem about marriage and procreation, with the twist that it's a distinctly mixed marriage.

Author

A Marriage Made in Heaven

Mr. Camel and Miss. Dromedary were married
And in time a baby was due.
Said Mrs. Camel to her beloved
'Would you prefer one hump or two?'

I Wanna Hold Her Hand

A short humorous poem about the changes that marriage brings to the dynamics of a relationship...

An ultra-realistic, perhaps even pessimistic view of marriage in Paul's funny poem about pre- and post-wedding behaviour.

Author

I Wanna Hold Her Hand

When a man, before the wedding day
Holds on to the woman’s hand, they say
It’s a certain sign of a love intense
After marriage it’s just self-defence

Marriage Observation

…and a companion piece about how men treat their most treasured possessions.

Another rather cynical poem about the behaviour of married men. Considering the bad press marriage gets, it's amazing anyone bothers.

Author

Marriage Observation

When a man opens the car door
For his wife,
You can be sure of one thing
In this life
Either it’s a new car
Or a new wife

Marriage Views

A poem which sounds like it's the translation of a traditional Eastern European folk saying, yet is hilariously funny - for women at least.

A poem about male members and marriage is sure to find an appreciative audience, at least among the fairer sex.

Author

Marriage Views

Men will say of matrimony
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”
While women say of marriage
“Why buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage”

A Hand In Marriage

Love, Marriage, Sex and Death...   It's all foretold in the cards.

If life is game of cards, it certainly isn't poke'r.

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A Hand In Marriage

A humble pack of playing cards
Conceals a secret meaning
Where the suits at least warn
Of a chilling outcome of marrying
First a Heart for him to love you
Next a Diamond to marry them
Thirdly a Club to bludgeon him
And finally a Spade to bury them

Argumentative

An inalienable truth about tensions in relationships is encapsulated in a short humorous poem.

A comic poem about marital discord which contains an inalienable truth about arguments.

Author

Argumentative

The unwritten law states that a woman
Has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man may say after that
Is the beginning of a new argument.

Small Beer

A husband discovers after his marriage that his wife's approach to saving money is rather one sided.

A funny marriage poem which focuses on how wives manipulate their husbands after their wedding day. In this case, the husband's humorous riposte only inflames the situation.

Author

Small Beer

When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife

She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over

I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me

I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door

Not Being Previous

A humorous poem about pre-marital sex. No more, no less!

A poem about pre-marital sex which is both funny and philosophical.

Author

Not Being Previous

For those who don’t believe
In sex before marriage
Those who want the horse
Before the carriage
I should point out
It isn't premarital sex ‘per se’
If there is no intention
Of having a wedding day

Pothering

An amusing poem about a young man pothering over asking his beloved for her hand in marriage. I must confess I was unfamiliar with the word pothering, but it means a state of dithering anxiety.

I'm not sure I'd encountered the word pother before, but it's meaning is perfectly apparent from the absolute flap doodle that this suitor is in as he contemplates asking for the hand of the one he loves. And yes, there's an amusing little twist to end proceedings.

Author

Pothering

He was in such a pother
Such was the lot of the suitor
For he was to ask for his lady’s hand
Well that was what he had planned
But he was in such a nervous state
He couldn’t get his head straight
He was sure she would be receptive
But signs can be deceptive
So he resolved to do what was planned
And ask for his lady’s hand
Although to be perfectly fair
He was more interested in the rest of her

A New Broom

A slightly silly poem about two brooms and a shotgun wedding. It would be nonsense verse, except it has a slightly murky moral undercurrent.

A New Broom is unabashedly corny and cheesy, yet in it's way it's quite cute. The poem tells of a shotgun wedding between two brooms, which dissolves into a sordid tale of extra- pre-marital sex and betrayal.

Author

A New Broom

Two brooms where wed
And when “I do’s” were said
The lady broom disclosed
The reason for her clothes
Of generous flatter
And the fact of the matter.
A little broom was on its way
Oh what a happy day
But he was not so happy
With expecting a little chappie
This just wasn’t fair
As he hadn’t swept with her

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