Our collection of twisted valentines poems teeters on the edge of dirtiness, but this selection of dirty poems for Valentine's Day takes a step further into the abyss of depravity. I make no apologies for choosing some fairly extreme subjects and hope only that the humour of the poems is sufficient justification for what some may consider occasional lapses in taste and decency.
A poem which sets the scene for what is to follow. While hardly conventionally dirty, some will consider it juvenile, sexist or possibly both. It's not too late to turn back!
I love every inch of you
From the hair on your head
To the tips of your toes
But the best bits
Are your tits
A second, rather blunter poem about the objectification of women. I'm not anticipating that Peculiar Poetry has attracted too many feminist readers, but I can assure those loyal few that The Sum of the Parts was written with tongue firmly embedded in cheek.
Some men see women
As an assemblage of bits
Pretty face, long legs,
Gorgeous arse, fantastic tits.
But I see myself
In a post-feminist role,
I'm not interested
In the bits, only the whole.
We're getting into our stride with a light, humorous poem about the delicate subject of interfamilial sexual relations and how they manifest themselves at Valentine's Day.
A valentine from my mother.
I just don't know,
Why she goes to the bother?
We both know that
She's sleeping with my brother.
I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular when I wrote the next poem, but there is certainly an archetype who fits the bill.
I dipped a toe
Into the romantic water
And although I fancied you
I ended up f#cking your daughter.
A straight (in all senses of the word) poem which cuts to the quick of what underpins all romance, whether naturally occurring or engineered.
I've just had a letter from a solicitor
To "once and for all" inform me
That contrary to what I might believe
Screwfix are not a dating agency
A second, thematically related poem which boasts an unabashedly punning title and is rather more direct about what is the true purpose of love.
"I want to buy flowers for my girlfriend"
John said to the Florist
"Of course Sir, what is it you're after?"
The florist asks to assist
After a moment John replied
"Well, a shag would be top of my list"
The final valentines poem is a rather strong rebuke which can be employed if a former lover uses Valentine's Day as an unwelcome excuse to try to rekindle the best forgotten love affair.
Life if for living
Love is for giving
You gave me herpes
Is love forgiving?
Is it f#ck
Please feel free to substitute herpes with syphilis, chlamydia or another type of STD, if it is more appropriate. And who says the romance of Valentine's Day is dead?