Halloween Poems

Halloween is the strangely trifurcated festival which falls on 31st October. Halloween's origin lies in the ancient Celtic festival of samhain, which marked the start of winter and in true pagan fashion involved real witches and communion with the dead. The Christian Church subsequently appropriated the festival by moving All Hallows' Day, also called All Saints Day, to 1st November, which made 31st October All Hallows Even (the Eve of All Hallows), contacted in time to Halloween or Hallowe'en. The final incarnation of the Halloween story is Trick or Treat, which seems to be embraced with gusto in the United States, where no opportunity to eat huge quantities of candy ever goes unmissed, and generally reviled in England, where it is seen as an opportunity for feral youth to behave in a particularly uncouth and menacing manner.

Funny Halloween Poems 2008

There are a couple of new Paul Curtis' funny Halloween poems to enjoy this year and, as one might expect, the poems take the English view of Halloween and the shenanigans that surround it. I'm sometimes asked why Peculiar Poetry don't have more Halloween Poems, or Bar Mitzvah Poems, or such like. In the case of Halloween, there is limit as to the number of funny poems one can write about what is, after all, a fairly narrow subject. We're averaging 2.5 new halloween poems a year, which seems quite reasonable...

THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

On all hallows eve when the sun has set
The ghosts and ghouls come out to play
With dripping fangs and bloody claws
They prowl the street in search of prey
And when to my door the fiends appear
I tell the “Trick or Treaters” to go away

Perhaps when I say that Paul has an English view of Halloween, what I really mean is misanthropy in the mould of Victor Meldrew.

TRICK OR TREAT

When the little boys and girls
Knock at my door for candy
I must give them what they want
“Or else” is their modus operandi
So with a false smile I comply
But under my breath I pray
That by the time Christmas comes
They’ll all have tooth decay

To conclude, Patrick's first, and very likely last, attempt at a funny Halloween poem.

FLASH GORDON

It's Halloween
I take to the street
Long black cape
Down to my feet

I knock on doors
Shouting 'Trick or Treat'
Throw back my cape
To reveal my meat

...and two veg

After Halloween I'll revert
To being a normal pervert

Who knows, there may be a plethora of new poems for Halloween next year, or more likely a mad last minute scramble to write a few....

Funny Halloween Poems 2007

Last years offerings, archived for posterity and suitable for reheating in a microwave oven...

OH NO, NOT HALLOWEEN AGAIN

It’s that time of year again, Halloween
Oh how I hate it and its practitioners
All year round we tell our children
“Don’t accept sweets from strangers”
We instill in them from an early age
“Don’t ever approach or talk to strangers”
Then at Halloween we send them out
To ask for sweets at the doors of strangers

When children dressed as monsters
Terrorize the neighbourhood
Begging from door to door
Demanding sweets and treats
For not vandalizing your property
The older children or should I say yobs
Wear masks and disguise them selves
Clearly training for a life of crime
A yob in a funny outfit is still a yob

It’s that time of year again
The night of night to ignore the doorbell
Its not twee or cute it’s just annoying
I try to be polite when I shoo them from my door
But I know I will get up next morning
With fake blood smeared on the front door
Eggs smashed on my windscreen
And rubbish strewn across my garden
God I hate Halloween and its practitioners

ALL HALLOWS EVE

I hide behind the sofa quivering in fear
Now the witching hour is near
The curtains are drawn tight
And I’ve turned off the lights
The TV volume is way down low
I sit and cower it its feeble glow
Then comes the knock upon the door
And I curl up quivering on the floor
My heart is pounding my breath is shallow
My mouth is dry it’s hard to swallow
On all hallows eve I live in mortal dread
But not of monsters or the un-dead
The fear that turns my heart to stone
Is Trick or Treaters knowing I’m home

... but with a 'best before' date of 31st October 2007