Funny Halloween Poems
A collection of funny poems for Halloween by contemporary English poets Patrick Winstanley, Paul Curtis and Max Scratchmann. The English bit is hugely important, as the English don't generally understand or approve of Halloween, so there's a preponderance of funny poems disparaging Halloween and Trick or Treat.
This is a collection of funny halloween poems for teens and adults. The language used in some of the poems is dirty, scatological or sexual in nature. Kids or sensitive readers should visit the collection of halloween poems for kids which contains most the funny halloween poems you'll find here, but omits the poems of an overtly or covertly sexual nature.
Funny Halloween Poems 2011
Well, 2011 has been a riot. Or rather, a series of riots, punctuated by global economic meltdown and the growing realisation that England has a dark underclass. Against a backdrop of burning cities, violence and looting, the prospect of trick or treating hoodies roaming the streets at Halloween sounds less than reassuring. So we've kept this year's funny Halloween poems deliberately light, fluffy and non-frightening.
Terror Threat
I wear a funny wig
My sister has a mask
We are well disguised
To go about our task
To have fun with our friends
Collecting Candy to eat
As we terrorise the neighbours
As we go “trick or treat”
Vegebite
I'm a vegetarian vampire
With an aversion to necks
So I fly round aimlessly
nibbling
Nutty oaty
chewy snacks
Ghosts And Ghouls Come Out
On Halloween, all hallows eve
Ghosts and ghouls come out
But not to do their evil work
They just want to stroll about
They can mix with the living
At this one time of the year
And not be discovered
Or cause screams of fear
They just mingle with fleshies
All through Halloween night
Enjoying the company
But are gone by first light
The Ghost of Long Tom Mouse
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
Witchnapped
On her broomstick she swoops
And into her arms she scoops
A poor unsuspecting young man
Because as a witch she can
And carries him off through the night
Then uses him for her delight
In the light of the cauldrons fire
She indulges her every desire
Dream Witch
There is a witch of whom I’m fond
Who could carry me off beyond
And we’d do magic with my wand
We would quaff her special brew
Fly on a broomstick made for two
And do things naughty witches do
But alas our special tandem flight
Full of wicked and delicious delight
Is but a dream I dream each night
Funny Halloween Poems 2010
Another year, another clutch of funny Halloween poems, including our very first dirty Halloween poem. If you think Halloween is all about blood sucking, think again. And yes, I've included Max's poem Monsters' Ball in both funny and scary Halloween poetry collections as it's a faux-frightening Halloween poem.
Dressing Down for Halloween
At Halloween
Does the goth teen
Wear a paisley shirt
Or
a floral skirt
So as not to conform
To the accepted norm?
23, Those Little Darlings
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done
Monsters' Ball
Get your tickets for the monsters ball,
Come in your hundreds, come one, come all,
Join the Frankenstein Monster and the Man in the Moon,
And that awful creature from the Black Lagoon.
There’s Dracula’s daughter with her bloated tummy,
The son of Kong, and, of course, his mummy,
The Invisible Man and the Deadly Creature,
And Robbie the Robot in his own B-feature
The curséd Werewolf and the angry Godzilla,
But not the Phantom, he’s retired to a villa,
With Doctor Cyclops and the Shrinking Man,
Who’re sleeping rough in a caravan.
So buy your ticket and book your place,
Don’t wash your body or shave your face,
When the world stands still and world’s collide,
Come to the party with Frankenstein’s bride.
You’re Never Too Old for Halloween
It was a really spooky night
And I saw a very scary sight
We had been out “trick or treating”
And got home and started freaking
My parents were dressed as witches
Both were without their breeches
And my mum, not a natural blonde
Was playing with my father's wand
Funny Halloween Poems 2009
It's more of the same this year, with a selection of poems about Halloween which mix humour and misanthropy, together with a strange new Halloween-Christmas hybrid poem.
The Costumed Army
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
Which?
Two old Women
In long black cloaks
With point hats
And two black cats
'We're Imelda
And Griselda'
Said one. But which
Should I call which...
Christmas Hherald
The Christmas lights are up
The shops play Christmas tunes
The Santas are out in force
In their red and white platoons
Christmas goodies are on display
The best selections ever seen
Which sends the message out
That it’s nearly Halloween
Funny Halloween Poems 2008
There are a couple of new Paul Curtis' funny Halloween poems to enjoy this year and, as one might expect, the poems take the English view of Halloween and the shenanigans that surround it. I'm sometimes asked why Peculiar Poetry don't have more Halloween Poems, or Bar Mitzvah Poems, or such like. In the case of Halloween, there is limit as to the number of funny poems one can write about what is, after all, a fairly narrow subject. We're averaging 2.5 new halloween poems a year, which seems quite reasonable...
The Night of the Living Dead
On all hallows eve when the sun has set
The ghosts and ghouls come out to play
With dripping fangs and bloody claws
They prowl the street in search of prey
And when to my door the fiends appear
I tell the “Trick or Treaters” to go away
Perhaps when I say that Paul has an English view of Halloween, what I really mean is misanthropy in the mould of Victor Meldrew.
Trick or Treat
When the little boys and girls
Knock at my door for candy
I must give them what they want
“Or else” is their modus operandi
So with a false smile I comply
But under my breath I pray
That by the time Christmas comes
They’ll all have tooth decay
To conclude, Patrick's first, and very likely last, attempt at a funny Halloween poem.
Flash Gordin
It's Halloween
I take to the street
Long black cape
Down to my feet
I knock on doors
Shouting 'Trick or Treat'
Throw back my cape
To reveal my meat
...and two veg
After Halloween I'll revert
To being a normal pervert
Who knows, there may be a plethora of new poems for Halloween next year, or more likely a mad last minute scramble to write a few....
Funny Halloween Poems 2007
The offerings from 2007, archived for posterity and suitable for reheating in a microwave oven...
Oh No, Not Halloween Again
It’s that time of year again, Halloween
Oh how I hate it and its practitioners
All year round we tell our children
“Don’t accept sweets from strangers”
We instill in them from an early age
“Don’t ever approach or talk to strangers”
Then at Halloween we send them out
To ask for sweets at the doors of strangers
When children dressed as monsters
Terrorize the neighbourhood
Begging from door to door
Demanding sweets and treats
For not vandalizing your property
The older children or should I say yobs
Wear masks and disguise them selves
Clearly training for a life of crime
A yob in a funny outfit is still a yob
It’s that time of year again
The night of night to ignore the doorbell
Its not twee or cute it’s just annoying
I try to be polite when I shoo them from my door
But I know I will get up next morning
With fake blood smeared on the front door
Eggs smashed on my windscreen
And rubbish strewn across my garden
God I hate Halloween and its practitioners
All Hallows Eve
I hide behind the sofa quivering in fear
Now the witching hour is near
The curtains are drawn tight
And I’ve turned off the lights
The TV volume is way down low
I sit and cower it its feeble glow
Then comes the knock upon the door
And I curl up quivering on the floor
My heart is pounding my breath is shallow
My mouth is dry it’s hard to swallow
On all hallows eve I live in mortal dread
But not of monsters or the un-dead
The fear that turns my heart to stone
Is Trick or Treaters knowing I’m home
... but with a 'best before' date of 31st October 2007
