Short Dirty Christmas Poems 2016

A new arrival for Christmas 2016, a selection of short dirty poems by Paul Curtis. It's worth emphasising that these are first and foremost funny poems, but with a touch of spice that may offend some readers. The poems contain nothing outrageously rude or offensive, but there's the odd expletive and sexual reference, plus an unusual emphasis on sex toys. Perhaps future additions to the collection will redress the balance.

Shiny Red Baubles

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

I Decided To Spice Up Christmas

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

A Little Boy Wrote To Santa Clause

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“OK, send me your mother”

With Two Days Till Christmas

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

The Best Form Of Exercise

The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say,
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away.

He Came Home On Christmas Eve

He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night

I Found Her Sitting In My Study

I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang

Which Carols Do You Want To Do?

"Which carols do you want to do?"
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
"Needham, Crow and Vitale"

She Had A Very Frustrating Christmas

She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”