In a cyncial attempt to cash in on all things Christmas, we've done something a bit different and produced a brand spanking new eBook featuring the very best of our contributor's humorous festive poetry. Jam packed with funny Christmas poems, parodies and nonsense verse, The Peculiar Poetry Collection of Funny Christmas Verse distills the true spirit of Christmas - comic, misanthropic, dyspeptic, or sometime just sick.
The collection is presented chronologically, taking the reader in seven easy leaps from the eager anticipation of Christmas, through the fun and festivities, to the bitter aftertaste:
Purchase the UK Kindle edition of The Peculiar Poetry Book of Funny Christmas Verse
from Amazon for £2.15.
Alternatively, for those living outside the United Kingdom, the Kindle edition is just at $2.99 from Amazon.com.
Our Christmas Poetry eBook is also available in a wide variety of other eReader formats from Smashwords.
We've chosen an small selection of new poems from The Peculiar Poetry Collection of Funny Christmas Verse to whet your appetite:
I came home today to a horrible sight
All the doors and windows were smashed in
And inside, everything was gone
They had taken absolutely everything
I felt so violated so degraded
How could something like this occur?
What sort of sick person does that?
To someone's Advent calendar
From The Prelude
Big bushy beard
An ill-judged suit
A sack of loot
Is Santa an
From Fun and Festivities
This is the story of Jennifer Titmuss,
A girl who wanted it to always be Christmas,
She hung mistletoe in February and put holly up in June,
And Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen was her all-time favourite tune.
Her husband was frustrated, though he didn’t let it show,
But he only ever got some, when under mistletoe,
He said to her, my Jenny, why do you love the Yule?
She answered him, oh Cedric, it’s the season that is cool.
I love hot mince pies in August and crackers in mid March,
And gaudy Christmas packages that crackle like the starch,
Why plod through a dull January and wan and sunny May,
When we can have roast chestnuts, every Christmas day.
But surely there’s merit in the joys of the Spring?
And I’m sure that it is possible to burry this Yule thing,
But she shook her head slowly, said enough of this banter,
Our marriage is over, I’m going off with Santa.
From Stuff and Nonsense
I got a book for Christmas
“101 sexual positions”
I got it from my brother
My wife also received a book
“102 handy excuses”
A present from her mother
From The Interlewd
God gave his one begotten son
The special gift
Of turning water into wine
So why did God give everyone
The specious gift
Of turning wine into urine?
From Misery and Misanthropy
Away in a manger
No crib for a bed …
The little Lord Jesus
Lay down his sweet head
I don’t think it matters
How gently you sing
Social services don’t care
For this kind of thing
From Parody and Pastiche
Hooray, it’s the Hawkin catalogue, that’s Christmas all wrapped up,
A whoopee cushion for Granddad, for Dad a boob-shaped cup,
We’ll get Uncle Fred a science kit and a French maid dress for his wife,
And great Grandmamma will have a rocket, she’ll have the time of her life.
A silent whistle for Bonzo, a book of farts just for fun,
And a bus ticket to the charity shop, to dump all this stuff when we’re done.
From The Aftermath
The Christmas eBook contains 47 new funny Christmas poems, together with a selection of old favourites which have appeared on the Peculiar Poetry site in past years. The collection is exotic, quixotic and occasionally erotic, which means that it is unsuitable for children and will not be to all adult tastes. Small 'c' conservatives, large 'c' Christians and large Americans, in particular, will find much to offend their sensitivities. Others will revel in the oblique humour and excuse the occasional lapse in taste.
Perfect as a present for a hard to please relative (any relative!), a secret Santa gift for a colleague, or a small indulgence for oneself, The Peculiar Poetry Collection of Funny Christmas Verse is ribald, riotous and ridiculously cheap.
Purchase the Kindle edition of The Peculiar Poetry Book of Funny Christmas Verse
from Amazon UK for £2.15.
Alternatively, for those living outside the United Kingdom, the Kindle edition costs just at $2.99 from Amazon.com.
It's also available from Smashwords in a wide variety of different formats for Apple iPad/iBooks, Sony Reader et al.