Mrs Craddock's Cookbook

What’s in the pot tonight - fat wife?
What have you burnt and expect me to eat.
The last meal you cooked made me very ill,
And it smelt like your old smelly feet.

I’ve got to eat THAT, what is it you wench,
Is it something brought in by the dog?
It looks like something passed by a tramp,
Something stood on whilst out on a jog.

Get out your Fanny Craddock cookbook,
Cook me something like fanny used to make.
Get out your Fanny Craddock cookbook,
Make me something like fanny used to bake.

Even the cat won’t eat your meals,
Many a time I’ve scraped mine into her dish.
She looked at me and shook her head,
As if to ask, “Where is the fish”

I told my wee kitty that it WAS fish!
She looked at me like only a cat can.
I said that you had cooked it just for her,
The feline went out of the flap and then ran.

So get yourself a Fanny Craddock cookbook,
Cook me something like fanny used to bake.
Get out your Fanny Craddock cookbook,
Make us something like fanny used to make.

I’ll never forget the time with your mummy,
Remember when you asked her to tea?
She took one bite and then spat it out,
And blamed the uncooked chicken on ME!!!

She poked it in my ear and then into my eye,
And told me I should stick to mending the car.
I told the old witch to bugger off,
Got the dog, and took him down to the bar.

So buy yourself a Fanny Craddock cookbook,
Cook me something that fanny used to make.
Get out your Fanny Craddock cookbook,
And make it sooner than later for god’s sake.

I have food poisoning at least twice a week,
Spending most of my time perched on the loo.
Last weeks burn cabbage was really horrid,
All I done the next day was just spew.

All our pans are now buggered and burnt,
You set fire to the kitchen twice in a day.
When you gave the boys some bacon sarnies,
They rolled up their hoses and then drove away.

So dig out your Fanny Craddock cookbook,
Cook us something like she used to bake.
Find now, your Fanny Craddock cookbook,
And make us something like she used to make.